


Avengers: Fools War (In Which Nick Fury Makes Better Choices)

by stanzas



Category: Captain Marvel (2019), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Captain Marvel (2019) Spoilers, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Canon Fix-It, fuck the mcu, i will delete this later, im leaving this as proof, nevermind im not deleting this, t'challa (marvel) - Freeform, that i am sexier and better than the entire mcu writing team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 19:24:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18762862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stanzas/pseuds/stanzas
Summary: “Who’s that? Did she -- did she just destroy the...? By herself?”“Ah, hell,” Stark says. “Fury caved again.”Captain Marvel saves the day. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after...well, you get the idea.





	Avengers: Fools War (In Which Nick Fury Makes Better Choices)

**Author's Note:**

> FUCK ENDGAME, FUCK INFINITY WAR, THIS IS THE NEW AVENGERS MOVIE IM PRODUCING ALL BY MYSELF WITH A GO PRO ATTACHED TO A HAMSTER AND ITS COMING TO THEATRES NEAR YOU. “AVENGERS: STUPID WAR” (2019)
> 
> i pirated endgame last night at 2am and then found another pirated link for captain marvel and after watching them back to back i can confirm that the writers are idiots and the characters are unfortunately also victim to a disease called IDIOT MORON PLOT. the russo brothers have a terminal case of it and they won’t survive the winter
> 
> Uhhhhhhhhhhh i forgot 99% of what happened in mcu and that’s a deliberate choice because i watched most of the movies and hit the “recycle” button on my brain for mcu content. does it count if i googled the plot for the movies and dished out the sparknotes version?

Alien invasions occur maybe once in a decade. But two in half a decade? Three in a single year? That breaks the 'Alien Invasion Decade Quota' by at least four points.

“There’s too many of them,” Captain America’s voice crackles through the receiver. “We’ve been overrun.”

On one line, Stark is complaining about the damage on his suit. On another line, the council makes the most ill-advised decision of the century to blast a crater into New York. Romanoff declares she made off with the scepter, and even with Loki “incapacitated” (read: a permanant fixture in the flooring of Stark Tower) there is too much at risk.

“Sir,” Agent Hill asks, as Fury fumbles for the small pager strapped to the inner compartment of his jacket. “What are you doing?”

“I’m making the best decision I’ve made all week,” Fury tells her, and punches in his message.

 

“ _What in fresh hell_ \--” Hawkeye gripes over the radio channel.

“Who’s the flying woman?” Stark demands.

“That,” Fury says, a little too smug over the radio. “Is backup.”

The vaguely woman-shaped -- _glowing_ \-- streak of light tearing through the remainder of the Chitauri army is a beautiful sight. She blows past Stark and catches the missile before it gets within spitting distance of the city, and sends it off into space. And then she’s gone.

“That,” Stark says, echoing Fury’s tone but in an expression of petulance rather than well-deserved smugness. “Was _cheating_.”

“You’re welcome,” Fury says, still a little on the warmer side of confidence. “Now head back. You still have some cleanup to do.”

Loki is a pain in the ass as always, and the glowing woman is more or less forgotten for the time being. The giant alien army in the sky hogs the attention of the media and the Avengers.

 

At least until Ultron comes around. Then it’s not so much a matter of noticing her, as she barely bats an eye at them. With Ultron’s head swinging in one hand, and a glowing fist in the other, she ignores Stark and blasts a hole in Ground Zero.

“Who are you?” Stark demands. Glowing woman ignores his question in favor of smashing three Ultrons into one another and obliterating them without glancing his direction.

“I,” the woman starts, and shakes her head. “I have another urgent mission at hand. You’re welcome.” She’s off before the others have a chance to ask their own questions.

"This feels..." Thor begins, looking out over the destruction of the city and the subsequent destruction of Ultron's entire force. "...very stupid." 

"Seconded," Hawkeye says. He stretches and plants himself on the nearest horizontal surface. "I think I'm gonna take a nap."

“Seems odd for her to pop in all the time like that,” Romanoff says. “She didn't even stick around to help with clean up. Did Fury ever say anything about her?”

Banner leans in, shoulders ducked awkwardly in that weird half-walk shuffle he does when he has something to say but doesn’t know want to say it. “Her name is Captain Marvel. And she's one of SHIELD's classified secrets, as it happens.”

Stark huffs. “Honestly, who gave you the golden key to SHIELD secret knowledge?”

“Good question.” Rogers says. “Maybe because he pays attention when they tell him things.”

Banner looks like he does not want to be involved in any part of the ensuing conversation and flees with Thor to find a place that sells nutella filled croissants.

“Earth foods are so odd,” Thor says, as they sit on the edge of a crumbled fountain. Ultron may have decently wrecked this side of Sokovia, but the rest of the world is whole and thankfully not-meteored. “But this delightful chocolate dessert makes these visits worthwhile, I think.” Banner nods in agreement, and decides not to buy anything for their other teammates. He does buy a hot chocolate for the witch girl, since he thinks she might like it. Her brother almost died today, and it is a poor consolation gift, but it is better than arriving empty handed.

 

Hawkeye’s voice cracks in and out of the radio, but his alarm comes in alert and clear. “Who’s that? Did she -- did she just destroy the...? By herself?”

“What?” Rogers asks, and wheezes into the microphone after he takes a solid hit to the stomach. He looks up and follows the trail of light Hawkeye saw moments before.

“Ah, hell,” Stark says. “Fury caved again.”

“Seriously?” Rogers sighs over the other end of the receiver. “Do we even need to bother at this point?” Above him, Captain Marvel exits out of a graceful spiral-dive and wipes out another wave of Chitauri.

“It is quite impressive,” T’Challa replies neutrally. “And I appreciate that we take fewer losses with her on our side.”

“She could at least say hello or something,” Banner says. “We’ve barely exchanged words with her. Can we even say thanks?”

“Probably has better things to do. It’s a wonder she even picks up Fury’s lame distress calls,” Stark grumbles.

“Probably!” Ant-Guy (Ant-Man? Ant-King?) agrees. “Why did you guys invite me here, anyway? I’m kinda under house arrest, so I’m _really_ not supposed to be here.”

 

They don’t exchange more than a few words with Marvel until Thanos punches his ugly thumb-shaped head back into their lives. Scouring the field for survivors, Captain Marvel stands in front and says, “I will handle Thanos. You should flee this planet while you can.”

Strange nods. Spider kid asks, “What will you do?” His eyes haven’t stopped bugging out of his head since she arrived in a column of light and rainbows. _Hell_ , Stark thinks, _I think I lost my glory to an overzealous unicorn god_.

Marvel shares a rare smile. “There likely will not be a planet standing here when I am finished.”

“Christ,” Quill says. “You don’t have to tell me again. Just give the bastard a good punch for me, ‘kay?”

Marvel’s eyes flash with light, and maybe even a dose of humor, and she nods. “Goodbye, Avengers.”

“I’m not an avenger,” Quill corrects. “I’m a -- Guardian. Of the Galaxy.”

“Of course,” Marvel says, in a tone that says she’s humoring him for the sake of ending the conversation.

 

“Holy crap,” Parker says, once they’re in orbit and safely out of range from the planet. The surface cracks, folding in on itself from the force of gravity.

“I believe the term ‘out of our paygrade’ summarizes this experience.” Strange says, in that smarmy bitch way that comes from a British person channeling their smugness into a cheap American accent.

Quill hums to himself. “I think I’m gonna take a vacation. Gonna get the crew back together, go tour some of the Andromedea for a bit. You folks got a ride home?” He sighs at their blank expressions. “Fuck, fine, you can hitch a ride for now.”

 

Marvel sweeps into the first floor and ignores the applause and hollering that follows her out. She walks, confident and sure, and slams Fury’s office open.

“I told you to only call me for emergencies,” Marvel says, and sinks into the chair opposite his desk.

“To be fair,” Fury smiles. “Those were emergencies to us.”

“Ugh, fine.” Marvel stands and rubs Goose on the way out. “But next time, don’t bother me while I’m on vacation with my girlfriend.”

“Noted.” Fury says, and sits back in his chair after she leaves. Goose rubs against his leg, and he apologizes to the open air. “Thanks, Danvers.”

**Author's Note:**

> im never writing mcu fic again and this is my sole contribution to the cursed content universe. goodbye forever
> 
> ill probably delete this in like a week lol i just posted this cus a pal told me to
> 
> follow me on twitter @[stanzasfic](http://twitter.com/stanzasfic)


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